Staring Into 2011

On The Past
Standing here in 2011, I look back. I see where I've come from. It's a long road. As I revisit the destinations of that journey I find plenty of mistakes, a lot of regrets and lots of "I wish I would haves". I am struck by who I was, what I've done, and some of the poor choices I've made.

As with any visit to the past I see a lot of things I wish I would have done differently, things I wish I could change. It would be easy to see my past as simply a long dark road best left behind...but I see something else in those failures; progress!

I am not now who I was...and I am pleased.

On the Present
I stand in the present. I look down at where I am and I am pleased. I am no longer the person I was.

This is good ground. My past, that road journeyed, for all it's mistakes, failures, and missteps has brought me here; to today, and it's a good place.

I love God, more now than ever. No longer just as the thing to say because I'm Christian and youre supposed to, but because I actually do. God has shown me so much of Himself and I've fallen in love with Him. I do things differently; no longer simply to avoid Hell or win Heaven, but because I actually think they're the right thing to do. No longer just because that's what Christians do or because the pastor said so, but because I know it brings God pleasure, and that brings me pleasure.

I love my wife, more now than ever. Not simply the body that woman inhabits, what she does, or the benefit of her, but her.

I love my job, my church, my role. I love where God has brought my life. It's been a crazy nail biting, blindfolded journey and the unveling has lived up to everything God said it would be.

I look at my today and I am pleased; but I see something else, a path ahead, more steps to be taken. I look at my today and I am pleased...but I am not today who I can be...and that person beckons me on.

On The Future
I look ahead and I see a road yet to be traveled; and I'm excited.

I'm not perfect, and if I'm honest, as much as I've grown, my mistakes, shortcomings, and complacencies, though possibly fewer in frequency, are more glaringly apparent now than they ever have been...but it does not dissuade me.

I look back on who I was, I look now at who I am, and I look at the God who has forged me; and I am not discouraged. He isn't done and so neither am I.

I see a "me" ahead; a better me, a me I've always wanted to be, and a me living a life even more fulfilling than the one I am living now.

I'm excited about the ways God is shaping me, healing me, leading me. I see the road ahead and I'm excited about it.

I am not now who I will be...but I'm getting there.


There's a Rat in My Attic

There’s a rat in my attic.

It’s bad news. From the moment I knew she was there I hated her, an instant enemy, and I loathed her very existence.

Rats, quite remarkable species when you think about it. This rat can go for days without being fed; without the need for food or water. And though she has particular tastes when she does need to eat just about anything will keep her alive.

She stays out of sight, hiding in my attic, a creature of the dark.

Most of the time I’m unaware she even exists. With cues to her presence rare I’m teased with the thought to leave her alone or pretend she’s no longer there. Sometimes, in her silence, I even forget about her; a grievous mistake for rats not only grow, but multiply.

And then comes the night. Not every night but the night of her need. With the scurry of little feet I am suddenly made aware again that my nocturnal friend has not left me at all. Instead she runs all over my dark places leaving a trail of waste and feces as evidence of her presence; turning what was simply a dark place into a rancid one. Chewing up random pieces of my house to take away and make my home, hers.

There’s a rat in my attic. I hate her. She is my mortal enemy and I loathe her very existence.

The name of my rat is Temptation.